Time Marches On

And so your memory fades, beyond days and weeks and, still,
I wonder what you fill your days with
I wonder what thoughts pass through your open mind
Yet, I care less today than I did yesterday
Hours go by without you crossing my mind
And I behold the accomplishment with a smile
I am moving forward, I am moving on
I have found another touch to cherish
Another breath to match as I fall asleep
You have fallen from a point of comparison to a distant memory
Time stumbles on, minutes into days, days into months
And I've forgotten your eyelashes against my cheek
I've forgotten the fit of your fingers in mine
The touch of another is fresh upon my skin
Yet I can still recall why I let you in

You Used to Unfold Me

We talk
slowly
about nothing
about movies
we stick to
surface streets
and find no
meaning in cafe windows
no substance in
hotel rooms
I used to unwrap you!
tender layers unfolding
like eager gold
but now
we are cool
and recount
our daily bores
as though
the sum or our
uses
equaled
something
(more)
substantial
while softer
things shrivel
and dry roots
go unfed
strangled
by the phone line
and all
that is
not said

I truly believe the sum of our uses equals something more substantial

The Heart of the Matter

Finally back where I belong. San Antonio is my city.

I had a slight emotional breakdown while I was home. There are so many memories back home to haunt me. As much as I love going home, I really feel this is where I belong. This is where I find my joy. Here, I don't feel as alone.

I had a bit of a breakthrough last week, something to urge me along the path of moving on. Nothing incredibly significant but still exciting. I just need to stay focused on the future and the past won't hurt.

I guess in the end you think about the beginning

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful.
But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering."
-Paulo Coehlo

Waiting is painful
One of my previous posts discussed my distaste for waiting, how I felt waiting was a waste of my life. The past few months I continued to wait with the disillusion of hope that things would be different, things would be better. I don't regret the wait, it gave me time to grow and realize a lot of things about life and myself. I was so scared of being alone, of not having someone to wake up thinking about in the morning and to fall asleep to at night, of not having the constant reassurance of being loved, of not having a hand to hold or heartbeat to be calmed by. I still want those things in life. They're wonderful gifts to have but maybe sometimes they're only temporary gifts. I hope the next time I find a good love, I appreciate all those things a little more after experiencing their absence. While I can recognize I didn't always do things within the relationship that were right, I don't think I'd change anything because with every mistake I learned how to be better. So, I guess it was worth the wait...in a way.

Forgetting is painful
I don't think I could ever or should ever want to forget. His presence and his love in my life was such a monumental part of becoming who I am today. Forgetting all of those things would be forgetting who I am, or better yet, why I am. Sometimes I have flashbacks of memories that awaken my senses, like the squeeze of his hand in mine sending jolts of love through my body or the feel of his eyelashes on my cheeks or the weightlessness of being lifted in his arms. I stop and let the memory roll over me, through me, and past me. These are things I can't forget, but I don't think I should want to.

Sometimes I miss the warmth of what I had but find comfort in knowing it isn't right for me anymore, not right for who I am or where I am anymore. My biggest sadness now is the disappointment of friendship. I thought the friendship would be so much more but I think there's a reason it's not more than it is. He's not who he once was either and that's okay. My expectations are for the person he used to be and I'm adjusting to who he is now, slowly but surely. Luckily, I've been blessed with wonderful friendships of so many others who care so much for me. Their love is what gets me through. I don't know what's next but that's okay. It's okay. I'm okay.

It's the Slow Fade of Love

I've been less and I've been more

Sometimes a piece of art comes into your life right when you need it and says everything your heart has felt but couldn't put into words. The art speaks with shape and color and texture, whether in the form of music, art, or literature. Life has been quite wonderful lately. The burden of the past and the future have been lifted and I can now live in the present. I've let go of some things that once were beautiful but slowly became complicated and unpleasant. My heart is content with what was and what may never be again. I can only look with hope to whatever love awaits me in the future.

I never felt so wicked as when I willed our love to die

We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

Reaching for the past for a love not built to last
I need the warmth of lust's embrace
I remember when you loved me
Hoping for the best for a love laid to rest
I miss the sound of your voice drowsy on my ear
I remember when I loved you too
Looking to tomorrow for a love not laced with sorrow
One day I'll feel the same for someone new
I'll be happy. I'll be loved.
One day my heart will no longer beat for you

Fall

September came with a heavy heart
Love's lost, torn apart
October has always been the month of trying
I want to love freely
Float lightly upon the breeze of love
I want to love bravely
Words falling from my lips like an apple from a tree
If I thought it'd matter
I'd carry my love to you upon my knees
Without hesitation, without reservation
You've always been my downfall
My point of imperfection
Here I am again
A fool to your indecision
I throw myself to the mercy of the changing seasons

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves ... Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

rainer maria rilke

I want to live this quote everyday, in every way that I can. Sometimes I worry in excess when I should live. Sin boldy. Be happy. Live a life of love. Life is too short for anything less.

I've Come Undone

It used to be that when we were together, you were with me
With me in every moment and every heartbeat
I could hear my name in your pulse and my kiss on your lips
Now, you're just so far away
We're together but you're still so far away
I'm trying to find my way back to you
But you retreat with each step of my advance
And I'm just so tired it seems
You'll just always be the past in my present
I want so much to be present in a moment with you
To feel the current of life running through us both
But the distance makes me weak, weathered, and worn out
Time is running out

B+

I just finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife and I can't stop thinking about how we all waste time thinking about the past and the future instead of focusing on the now. I try so hard to be physically present but find myself emotionally in the past constantly. Something keeps pulling me back, while I remain transfixed on the idea of moving on into the future. I've spent so much of my time waiting, waiting for something to happen. Like the time traveler's wife, so many people spend much of their lives waiting on their loves. No wonder patience is such a virtue, waiting can be agonizing. However, the wait is often what makes the experience worthwhile.
It was a good book. I really loved all the poems concerning time and love that were dispersed throughout the book. The second poem "Love after Love" by Derek Walcott particularly struck me. Here's the second half:

Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Feast on your life...I like that. So as I sit and wait for him to call (I'm absolutely not calling him), I think of how I can feast on my life. Despite the doubt and the worry and the awkward expectation, I need to remember to be positive. My blood type and my new mantra.

5

5 things found in my purse:
1. My cell phone that I drop constantly
2. A Sudoku puzzle book
3. My zoo work folder
4. Lip gloss, just to make me feel made up
5. A spoon from when I ate breakfast on the way to work

5 things found in my wallet:
1. my debit card...I feel swipe happy just thinking about it
2. My TigerCard (student ID)
3. AAA card...Hopefully I won't have to use it for my car *fingers crossed*
4. A $20 check I never cashed from like January
5. Old receipts

5 favourite things in my room:
Technically, I don't have a room. I'm crashing on a friend's couch for the summer but I'll use the stuff I have in storage for the room I'm moving into in a month.
1. my sheets (I love satin sheets. The end.)
2. My old movie posters (Gone with the Wind, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Oceans 11...I just love the technicolor)
3. My Kurt Halsey prints (gotta collect them all!)
4. My laptop
5. My clothes and shoes...for reals.

5 Things I've always wanted to do:
1. Live in New York and love it.
2. See a musical on Broadway with good seats.
3. Wear what I want, when I want
4. Be successful
5. Be happy.

5. Things I'm currently into:
1. Blogs and blogging
2. Thrift store shopping. I'm going to a flea market tomorrow and I'm pumped.
3. Counting down the days until summer's over.
4. Thinking about living in the Northeast (Boston or New York)
5. Birds...pictures of birds, birds at the zoo, drawing birds, bird art...a tiny obsession.

Tokens of Happiness

Just a post about some of the little things that have been bringing me joy lately:

Vintage inspired styles.
I really just want to go on a vintage/thrift/antique store extravaganza...but alas, I am a poor college student with little monies to buy books. Clothes will have to wait...but not long.

Evening walks.
I live in a pretty safe neighborhood and feel comfortable walking in the street at night. I've never really warmed up to sidewalks, streets are much more my avenue. We seem to have a pretty good colony of bats living somewhere in the neighborhood and I enjoy watching swoop and fly near the streetlights. Sometimes I worry they'll fly into me...

Riding my bike.
I'm getting more and more serious about reducing my carbon imprint. I'm really trying not to drive places that are in feasible biking distance. Luckily, Central Market is only like 2 blocks away. Riding my bike makes San Antonio feel more pedestrian than it is.

Blogs.
I'm really digging all of the hip fashion blogs that are out there. How did I just stumble upon these? I literally, StumbleUpon'ed them...and now I'm addicted. I'm reading as far back as March in two of them and see no sign of stopping.

My future.
Ok, so I know my future isn't really a little thing; more like this big, vast thing that could consume my thoughts with worry and expectation. But I like to idealize it as being filled with simple beauty and creativity. Pretty exciting, huh?

The end of summer.
Egad, it's been hot. I'm ready for cooler days where I can wear my sun dresses with cardigans and scarves and maybe even boots. Until then, I'm preparing to trek to class slightly glistening in sweat (gross).

The pictures I've been taking at the zoo.
I've really formed a serious appreciation for the animal kingdom while working at the zoo. Some of them are so beautiful and majestic it just blows my mind. Enjoy!

My Bucket List

A work in progress...

1. Fall madly in love
2. Live in New York while I'm young and free
3. Have a career I'm passionate about
4. Travel cross country on a train
5. Walk across Abbey Road
6. Run a half marathon
7. Get drunk and dance all night long
8. Forgive my mother
9. Visit my father's grave (bring flowers)
10. Taste the difference between mediocre and good liquor
11. Taste the difference between cheap and good wine
12. Visit every continent
13. Do something truly selfless
14. Do something truly senseless
15. Learn to play the piano with some degree of skill
16. Go to an all weekend music festival
17. Own a Vespa
18. Reduce my carbon imprint as much as possible
19. See at least twenty Broadway shows
20. Restore all of my grandparents' old black and white photos
21. Remain committed to a philanthropic organization
22. Learn to speak another language fluently
23. Overcome my fear of vulnerability
24. Tell at least one person a day I love them (and mean it)
25. Sing in public, without embarrassment
26. Spend a week in Greece
27. See all the art I can in Rome
28. Never let a week go by without an adventure
29. Take a cruise to the Caribbean
30. Take a cruise to Alaska
31. Plant a vegetable garden
32. Learn to make a meatloaf that tastes like Grandma's
33. Make homemade ice cream
34. Write my memoirs
35. See the Northern Lights
36. Try hang gliding
37. Ride in a hot air balloon
38. Spend a day in the park flying kites
39. Attend graduate school
40. Remain financially secure
41. Get married
42. Have/adopt children when I'm ready
43. Learn to see myself as beautiful
44. See every movie on AFI's top 100 list
45. Read a book in a hammock
46. Take meaningful, relaxing vacations
47. Fill my home with beautiful things
48. Buy myself flowers
49. See a movie alone
50. Stay in touch with high school friends
51. Remain connected to college friends
52. Be the first person in my family to graduate from college (almost there)
53. Stay active and comfortable in my body
54. Gamble in Vegas
55. Spend a weekend sipping mixed drinks on the beach
56. Ensure my organs are donated when I no longer need them
57. Practice random acts of kindness
58. See a Dave Matthews Band concert
59. Get a tattoo
60. Laugh until I cry
61. Help a complete stranger
62. Find the happiness in my life