I guess in the end you think about the beginning

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful.
But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering."
-Paulo Coehlo

Waiting is painful
One of my previous posts discussed my distaste for waiting, how I felt waiting was a waste of my life. The past few months I continued to wait with the disillusion of hope that things would be different, things would be better. I don't regret the wait, it gave me time to grow and realize a lot of things about life and myself. I was so scared of being alone, of not having someone to wake up thinking about in the morning and to fall asleep to at night, of not having the constant reassurance of being loved, of not having a hand to hold or heartbeat to be calmed by. I still want those things in life. They're wonderful gifts to have but maybe sometimes they're only temporary gifts. I hope the next time I find a good love, I appreciate all those things a little more after experiencing their absence. While I can recognize I didn't always do things within the relationship that were right, I don't think I'd change anything because with every mistake I learned how to be better. So, I guess it was worth the wait...in a way.

Forgetting is painful
I don't think I could ever or should ever want to forget. His presence and his love in my life was such a monumental part of becoming who I am today. Forgetting all of those things would be forgetting who I am, or better yet, why I am. Sometimes I have flashbacks of memories that awaken my senses, like the squeeze of his hand in mine sending jolts of love through my body or the feel of his eyelashes on my cheeks or the weightlessness of being lifted in his arms. I stop and let the memory roll over me, through me, and past me. These are things I can't forget, but I don't think I should want to.

Sometimes I miss the warmth of what I had but find comfort in knowing it isn't right for me anymore, not right for who I am or where I am anymore. My biggest sadness now is the disappointment of friendship. I thought the friendship would be so much more but I think there's a reason it's not more than it is. He's not who he once was either and that's okay. My expectations are for the person he used to be and I'm adjusting to who he is now, slowly but surely. Luckily, I've been blessed with wonderful friendships of so many others who care so much for me. Their love is what gets me through. I don't know what's next but that's okay. It's okay. I'm okay.