"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. "
-Kate Winslet (in The Holiday)

Yesssss

"I want somebody to sleep with the rest of my life and cuddle up during a movie on a couch. Stay up all night talking about nothing. Get lost in the woods together. Challenge me, challenge him. Talk about dreams, make dreams. Have fights, the kind that only really matter just as long as you’re having them. Someone I can wrestle with, you know, play hard sometimes and not worry about breaking a nail or an arm. A guy who will bring me flowers, once in a while, maybe a rock too or a shell of some sort. Something he saw that made him think of me, made him think “this might make my girl smile” as he smiles to himself. A guy who wants me, maybe even needs me, just a little, enough to hold onto me with everything he’s got."

One day...

All You Need is Love

So yesterday was a bad day and today hasn't been wonderful, but it's been alright. I'm not really worried about being anyone's exception anymore. Even with Valentine's approaching, I'm not sad about being single. I have a lot of fun and have the most fantastic friends. My sorority sisters and I are planning on renting movies and staying in with a few bottles of wine on Saturday and I can't think of a better way to spend the day. I'm going to make valentine's for my friends here and just spread love. I figure if I give love, I'll get love. Besides, I'm happier when I'm not wanting to be someone's exception.

Give love, it's the only thing that heals you

Time Marches On

And so your memory fades, beyond days and weeks and, still,
I wonder what you fill your days with
I wonder what thoughts pass through your open mind
Yet, I care less today than I did yesterday
Hours go by without you crossing my mind
And I behold the accomplishment with a smile
I am moving forward, I am moving on
I have found another touch to cherish
Another breath to match as I fall asleep
You have fallen from a point of comparison to a distant memory
Time stumbles on, minutes into days, days into months
And I've forgotten your eyelashes against my cheek
I've forgotten the fit of your fingers in mine
The touch of another is fresh upon my skin
Yet I can still recall why I let you in

You Used to Unfold Me

We talk
slowly
about nothing
about movies
we stick to
surface streets
and find no
meaning in cafe windows
no substance in
hotel rooms
I used to unwrap you!
tender layers unfolding
like eager gold
but now
we are cool
and recount
our daily bores
as though
the sum or our
uses
equaled
something
(more)
substantial
while softer
things shrivel
and dry roots
go unfed
strangled
by the phone line
and all
that is
not said

I truly believe the sum of our uses equals something more substantial

The Heart of the Matter

Finally back where I belong. San Antonio is my city.

I had a slight emotional breakdown while I was home. There are so many memories back home to haunt me. As much as I love going home, I really feel this is where I belong. This is where I find my joy. Here, I don't feel as alone.

I had a bit of a breakthrough last week, something to urge me along the path of moving on. Nothing incredibly significant but still exciting. I just need to stay focused on the future and the past won't hurt.

I guess in the end you think about the beginning

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful.
But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering."
-Paulo Coehlo

Waiting is painful
One of my previous posts discussed my distaste for waiting, how I felt waiting was a waste of my life. The past few months I continued to wait with the disillusion of hope that things would be different, things would be better. I don't regret the wait, it gave me time to grow and realize a lot of things about life and myself. I was so scared of being alone, of not having someone to wake up thinking about in the morning and to fall asleep to at night, of not having the constant reassurance of being loved, of not having a hand to hold or heartbeat to be calmed by. I still want those things in life. They're wonderful gifts to have but maybe sometimes they're only temporary gifts. I hope the next time I find a good love, I appreciate all those things a little more after experiencing their absence. While I can recognize I didn't always do things within the relationship that were right, I don't think I'd change anything because with every mistake I learned how to be better. So, I guess it was worth the wait...in a way.

Forgetting is painful
I don't think I could ever or should ever want to forget. His presence and his love in my life was such a monumental part of becoming who I am today. Forgetting all of those things would be forgetting who I am, or better yet, why I am. Sometimes I have flashbacks of memories that awaken my senses, like the squeeze of his hand in mine sending jolts of love through my body or the feel of his eyelashes on my cheeks or the weightlessness of being lifted in his arms. I stop and let the memory roll over me, through me, and past me. These are things I can't forget, but I don't think I should want to.

Sometimes I miss the warmth of what I had but find comfort in knowing it isn't right for me anymore, not right for who I am or where I am anymore. My biggest sadness now is the disappointment of friendship. I thought the friendship would be so much more but I think there's a reason it's not more than it is. He's not who he once was either and that's okay. My expectations are for the person he used to be and I'm adjusting to who he is now, slowly but surely. Luckily, I've been blessed with wonderful friendships of so many others who care so much for me. Their love is what gets me through. I don't know what's next but that's okay. It's okay. I'm okay.